Watsed some time tonight looking back at old posts. It was something else.. Like the real fucking old ones. The ones that are a year+ old. I read the ones about the last time I put myself out on the table (speaking about boys&all that gay shit). Where I had all my fucking hopes up and shit. Typing posts of how much I wanted to; -No how much I had to prove everyone wrong about you and shit. It really surprises me how different I am now. I doubt nobody really notices it because I was never really truly open about my insercurities and shit. &honestly the ones who did know didn’t really know everything. But it has nothing to do with them not being really close to me that I couldnt tell them. Its just there is some things I would rather keep. I don’t think I’ve ever told anybody of all the horrible things I’ve thought. One of the post talks about how much I wanted to prove everyone wrong and show that I could finally get what I want. How I actually went all in for you and how deep down I knew I would lose but hoping I wouldn’t lose all my wishful thinking. Anyways after I read it I paused and said to myself. ‘wow I’ve lost all that.’ Its crazy how I feel nothing. I kindof like it. At the same time I know it does damage. But I’m fine.
